What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 03:41
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why are Americans obese? Is it the food or is it the psychology?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My family never makes their pension either.
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I waited trembling.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Comes on , in middle age.
Is the Chinese economy currently collapsing? If not, what could potentially cause it to collapse?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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I was 9 years of age.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I have no regrets .
I could never make a relationship work though!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why are American women so ugly nowadays?
I was very sick at this time too.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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She loved him until the end.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So, i spoilt her more .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I write beautiful poetry .
Ive learnt so much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We all went to grammer schools
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were not on the streets..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She found it foreign!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I said to her
When she asked me how she looked .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
This is soul school!.
I will be 64.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Would this be the day?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I don,t even have a pension.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Especially a lifetime of it.
She married twice! .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She wouldn,t have been !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But it wasn’t much.
It was going to be , some day.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I think the readers, may guess!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was scared of men, in general
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
What did i know ?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Was to survive, this bastard.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He knew the spot.
She was in good health!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My life is so biszare .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So whats the point in blame.
And i lived it daily.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im still living with it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One cannot live in the past .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
All the time i was locked up.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But, we were locked up after school.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Who then, do I blame.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was seconnd youngest,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.